There is always something that can go wrong, whether it’s our parents’ health or finances or the kids fighting over dinner on the table. In the midst of all the pressure we have as a parent, our kid would wake us up early, or they might remember at the last minute that they forgot to do their homework. Eventually, we all lose it.
While your child may be able to get under your skin, he isn’t responsible for your reaction. You can trace the origins of any problem that makes you snap back at others due to your own childhood experience. This is evident because our ability to reason is temporarily impaired, and we begin behaving like small children having temper tantrums.
It’s all right. That’s the way things usually go. As parents, we all bring emotional scars from our upbringing into our interactions with our children. There will be times when our children’s behavior will drive us over the edge. Because of this, it is our duty as adults to refrain from going over the edge.
Why We Blow Up at Our Kids
Unlike any other relationship, that of parent and child is particularly prone to triggering moments. When it comes to our own parents, we can still act irrationally even as adults. (Who can annoy and bring out the childish in you more than your own mother or father?)
In a similar vein, the fact that our children are ‘our children’ means that they will inevitably tick us off. According to Laura Markham, clinical psychologist, parenting coach, and author of Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids, “A trigger is anything you experience in the present moment that activates a feeling from the past.” This causes us to act in a way that is not consistent with the present.
These deep-seated emotions from our past have the power to alter our disposition, turning us into a grouch, and prevent us from bonding with our child, all because they cause us to view our child in a negative light, or as the enemy.
Even as adults, we can be overcome by our deepest childhood fears and rage. Putting an end to these specters can be incredibly difficult.
On the other hand, having enough awareness of these things can be useful if we are having difficulty controlling our anger. Knowing that parental anger can be harmful to young children is crucial, as it provides us motivation to exercise self-control.
The consequences of shouting at or hitting your child
A child’s dependence on his parents for his very sense of self makes him especially vulnerable to the effects of verbal abuse, such as being called derogatory names. Children who are subjected to physical violence, such as spanking, are more likely to struggle in every area of their lives as adults. This includes having a lower IQ, having more tense relationships, and abusing drugs.
If your young child doesn’t seem to be frightened by your anger, it may be because he or she has become desensitized to it. The unfortunate consequence is a child who is less susceptible to the influences of their peers and less motivated to behave in a way that will please you. What this means is that you need to do some restoration. Even if they don’t show it, our kids are terrified of us when we’re angry, and that fear only grows as they see us lose it more frequently.
In what ways can we manage anger?
Being human means that you’ll occasionally enter “fight or flight” mode, and when that happens, your child may start to seem like the enemy. When our bodies are primed with anger, our minds are quick to follow. Our bodies are being overwhelmed by hormones and neurotransmitters. They make you tense up, increase your heart rate, and shorten your breath. It’s difficult to maintain composure in such situations, but we all know that hitting our children, though it might temporarily alleviate tension, isn’t what we really want to do.
The primary takeaway from any discussion of anger is that it is imperative to refrain from taking any sort of action while feeling angry. The lesson you ultimately want to impart to your child can be taught at a later date.
Make a pact with yourself right now to never hit your child while you’re angry, and you’ll never have to worry about breaking that promise. Where does yelling fit in? Never throw a tantrum at your kids. If you feel the need to vent your frustrations, it’s best to do so in a private place, like your car with the windows rolled up, and to refrain from using words, as doing so will only serve to inflame your wrath. It’s best to just scream.
Finding healthy ways to channel your anger is beneficial to your kids: first, you don’t hurt them, and second, you set a good example for them. Your child will see you angry at least occasionally, and how you handle that anger is a great teaching opportunity.
Will you instill in your kid the belief that adults resolve conflicts by resorting to yelling? That grownups occasionally lose their cool? That they’ll start using these actions as a sign of maturity?
Or are you going to show your kid that anger is normal and that it’s a sign of maturity to learn how to control it? Let me explain.
1. Establish parameters before you lose your cool
Most of the time, when we lose our cool with our kids, it’s because we haven’t established a parameter and yet they’re starting to get on our nerves. The moment you feel anger rising in your chest, you may need to take action as quickly as possible. You need to take preventative action to stop the annoying behavior from triggering you.
You may find it helpful to explain to your children why you’re stressed and had such a tiring day—for example, if you have had a difficult time at work and their natural exuberance is wearing on you—so you can imply ask them to be kind and to curb the behavior that is bothering you for the time being.
If the kids are doing something that is starting to annoy you, such as playing a game where someone could get hurt, taking too long to finish what you’ve asked them to do, or fighting while you’re on the phone, you may need to stop what you’re doing, think less of the expectations, and redirect them to keep the situation from getting worse, and your anger under control.
2. Take a rest and stop what you're doing
Just remind yourself that the situation isn’t urgent. Put your hands through a quick shake to release any stress. Inhale deeply for a count o
Laughter can be a great stress reliever and mood elevator, so if you can, try to find something to make you laugh. Even if you have to force a smile, it will tell your nervous system there is no immediate danger and help you relax. If you want to let it all out, just hum. Listening to music and dancing is a great way to release pent-up anger through physical activity.
If you can find 15 minutes a day, while the kids are at school or napping, to practice mindfulness, you can strengthen your brain’s ability to regulate emotion, making it less taxing to relax when you feel yourself becoming upset. Dealing with kids on a daily basis should provide us enough opportunities for practice, and every time you manage to hold back from acting out of anger, you’ll be rewiring your brain to become more self-controlled.
3. Calm yourself
You see, coming into any situation in an angry state is a bad idea. As much as possible, try to calm yourself and just come back again when you can think clearly. If you feel the urge to physically harm your child, it’s best to remove yourself from his presence. If you can’t leave your child without escalating your anger, walk to the bathroom and calm yourself by running your face with water.
4. Don't act on your anger; instead, listen to it.
Our ability to feel anger, along with other emotions, is a natural response we make as human beings. Getting angry is entirely up to ourselves and we have the freedom to do it. Although anger can teach us valuable lessons, taking some actions while we’re angry is rarely beneficial because aside from some instances where we need to defend ourselves, we tend to make decisions we would later on regret. The constructive way to handle anger is to limit our expression of it. Sometimes we need to go to counseling or join a parents’ support group because we’re harboring unresolved anger that we’re projecting onto our children.
5. Keep in mind that "expressing" your anger to another person can only make things worse
Throwing anger at another person accomplishes nothing good and in addition and runs counter to the conventional saying that we need to “express” our anger so that it doesn’t eat us away. When we express our anger when we are already feeling enraged, we only end up feeling worse about ourselves, according to studies. This only serves to further wound and frighten the other person, which fuels their resentment. As it turns out, this only serves to drive a further wedge into an already tense relationship.
Not only that, but acting out of character when angry isn’t being genuine. Anger is a hostile emotion that is directed outward to vent the hurt you’re feeling inside. If you’re really being honest, you and your partner should talk about the pain or worry that’s fueling your anger. But as a parent, you have the responsibility of controlling your own emotions rather than projecting them onto your child.
Always remember that the way you can solve any problem is by relaxing. Before you decide what to say or do in response to someone’s anger, it’s important to try to understand the underlying “message” that’s the person is trying to tell you.