What exactly is mother guilt?
To those who have never heard the term “mom guilt” or who feel overwhelmed by it, it simply refers to the persistent feeling that one is failing in one’s role as a parent or is making choices that would ultimately “mess up” one’s children.
Guilt as a parent, like how you may feel over your kids watching too many cartoons, may be momentary. Or it could be something more long-term, like whether or not we’ve given them enough extracurricular opportunities throughout the years.
Some mothers have an overwhelming sense of dread, a heavy burden on their chests, and a sense of urgency to find a solution. The guilt of being a mother consists of all the “shoulds,” “ought to’s,” and other parents chime incessantly in your mind as you go about your day.
Mommy guilt can originate from a variety of places, including internal struggles as well as social, cultural, and societal pressures.
The internet is rife with examples of what other mothers are doing right, from fun educational activities to adorable posed photos of their well-groomed children. (Remember: We can’t be sure that they weren’t already having a temper tantrum before or after capturing that video clip.)
Where can all of this guilt and self-blame ultimately lead to?
A little bit of mommy guilt can actually be helpful. You may want to pay heed to that nagging feeling you get when you realize your kid is eating nothing but junk food, every single day.
However, mother guilt becomes detrimental when it influences a decision that was previously deemed to be correct based on what is appropriate for one’s own child and family.
A working mother, for instance, may opt to start formula feeding her baby rather than breastfeed for a variety of reasons. Then, out of the goodness of her heart, another mom brags online about the amazing health and bonding benefits her baby is receiving from breastfeeding.
To be clear, there is nothing inappropriate in boasting about one’s own achievements and milestones, and the mom in this example is not trying to embarrass anyone.
However, if the working mother is already just doing the best she can and is regretful about her decision to formula feed, these remarks might feel like an attack.
When these emotions arise, it may be time to confront the growing problem of mom guilt in your life.
Getting over maternal guilt
Identify the causes of your guilt
Investigate the real causes of your guilt; they may go back to your childhood. Your feelings of motherly guilt may vary in intensity depending on:
If you’re a parent with OCD or another mental health problem, and you’re attempting to improve upon a parenting method you feel your parents didn’t do very well
If you’re experiencing trauma in the past
Try to keep a diary or make a short note on your phone whenever mom guilt strikes, you could see patterns after a while.
Perhaps you’ve come to the conclusion that your participation in certain activities is largely to blame for your feelings of guilt: When other parents brag about their kids’ exploits, you feel it the most. Perhaps the main cause is the way you feed your child, or the attitude he or she has toward school and education.
Finding the source of the discomfort can help you avoid it in the future. Making a little, positive adjustment before committing to a radical lifestyle shift is a fantastic way to get started.
Acknowledge the truth
Once you’ve figured out what triggered you as a child and what kind of upbringing you had, you may move on to discovering your own parenting truth.
Some families even write down their values and goals. Some people have an innate comprehension of their moral center. In any case, these values and goals should serve as an important benchmark by which other choices might be evaluated.
Depending on the circumstances, the amount of time your children spend enjoying themselves may not be as vital as ensuring that they do so. If you know that getting to bed by 8 o’clock is crucial to your health and well-being, you might cut back on your TV time in the evenings. If you have mom guilt, naming and sticking to your values will help.
Streamline your inner circle of friends
Do you spend most of your time with people who share your values and beliefs? If you aren’t, you ought to assess how you make choices to make sure you’re considering important information.
If your neighbor is always giving you advice and you find yourself doubting your own judgment, she may not be the best person to confide in.
Reducing the number of people you discuss major matters with can help you get less unsolicited advice: Limit those in this circle to your partner, a select group of family and friends who won’t pass judgment, your pediatrician, and a small group of pals who share your values.
Pay attention to what your kids and gut are telling you
We, and mothers throughout history, have relied on our innate knowledge and instincts to make the best choices for our children’s well-being.
That’s when I know whether my one-year-old is just fussy or if he’s trying to get his leg stuck (on purpose) through the crib slats again. To improve as a parent, I’ve been practicing tuning in to and trusting that wise inner voice.
Children can help you gauge the success of your decisions and learn where you shouldn’t place undue guilt. If your child is continuously interrupting you to construct a puzzle with them while you’re trying to get work done, you shouldn’t feel bad about continuing to work; instead, you should consider setting aside time for dedicated play with your child at another time.
Safeguard your honesty from potential attackers
Invaders are inevitable. It may sound extreme, but it’s reasonable to anticipate opposition from those who disagree with your values and choices.
Expect to have your opinion challenged. Quit playing defense and adopt the attitude that having a different opinion is normal and beneficial.
You can also protect your judgment by removing yourself from environments where there is judgment. If your beloved aunt won’t stop questioning your decision to enroll your 4-year-old in a math class, you may need to tell her firmly but kindly that the decision isn’t hers to make and that your child is having a great time.
Lift up other moms
What causes mothers to feel guilty? Other mothers. Don’t be that mom at the playground trying to persuade someone that pacifiers are bad if you’re nursing (psst… they’re not) or that a child who eats nothing but green salads and quinoa every day would have better concentration than one who occasionally indulges in ice cream and Cheetos.
Be careful about creating social media posts that can come out as gloating or pushing an agenda on other mothers. The best way to get rid of mom guilt is to not transfer it to other mothers and instead support each other in doing what feels right for our families. (Although, by all means, feel free to brag about your own happy mom moment.)
Conclusion
It’s possible that by the time we reach the end of motherhood, we’ll regret having wasted so much time fretting over our shortcomings. It’s possible we’ll come to regret ignoring the encouragement of other women and our allies.
In the end, we may see how wonderful our children have become and realize that the guilt we felt while raising them did not improve that person in any way and rather prevented us from enjoying the experience.
Don’t let what other people are doing (or saying) snuff out your parental fire; instead, love your kids on your terms, in the beautiful way we know you are.