“Don’t make the poor child cry!”
It’s a line that all parents have heard many times from all kinds of people. As a first-time parent, we may have heard it while our son is silently crying while waiting for us to breastfeed him. We may have heard it when our child is sobbing his eyes out as we try to coax him to take a much-needed shower. It appears that weeping children, for whatever cause, is a major social faux pas. As a result, parents are under pressure to do anything they can to prevent upsetting their children.
However, it is a fact that children often cry. It’s how newborns communicate. It is also how children communicate their feelings, such as grief, displeasure, or even frustration. Is it acceptable for parents to tolerate their children’s cries and feel frustrated?
According to experts, frustration in children can be beneficial.
A recent article in Psychology Today argues about the risks of parents always coming to their children’s rescue when times are rough so they won’t cry or feel irritated. In addition, according to psychologist and author Kurt W. Ela, Psy.D., it is important for children’s growth to be exposed to adequately demanding environments.
In a separate study, it was found that children benefit from stimulating, challenging, and supportive environments in which to develop these skills, which serve as a foundation for healthy self-regulatory practices and modes of persistence required for academic success.
Why, therefore, are frustrated children seen as a problem? Why are parents so predisposed to keep their children from crying or experiencing other intense emotions such as frustration? And how much frustration is deemed beneficial?
What motivates parents to “rescue” their children?
Perhaps it all comes down to our strong love and parental instincts—our innate desire to defend and fight for our children at all costs, particularly in life-threatening situations. However, the boundary between a necessary and an unneeded rescue might become unclear. It’s possible that parents may try to eliminate all difficulty and stress from their children’s life without even realizing it. Some parents may even resort to extreme measures, such as breaking the law just to guarantee their children’s lives are unhindered.
Another angle to look at is whether the parents’ own competitive natures or unresolved childhood problems contribute to their protective tendencies or not. This happens when parents believe they have had a difficult life, prompting them to want an easier road for their children.
Leaving children neglected and unprotected to face the world on their own is obviously a terrible notion. Such extreme circumstances can have a negative impact on a child’s emotional, intellectual, and even physical well-being. Maybe parents are reluctant to let their children experience frustration because of the stereotyping of “neglected” children.
So, where should parents strike the appropriate balance?
Where then is the “balance” if either extreme or little frustration is harmful to children?
Perhaps the solution can be found from Heinz Kohut’s concept of “optimal frustration.” Heinz Kohut was a 20th century psychoanalyst who expanded the field of self psychology. He defines optimal frustration as a reasonable degree of irritation and disappointment. The appropriate amount of “frustration” that a child encounters leads to growth and the development of new coping abilities. One example is a mother who, by calming her child when he or she is upset and wants a pacifier, helps the infant learn to cope without one.
When children experience optimal frustration, they are able to confront obstacles “on their own,” with parents interfering only when a job or situation becomes overwhelming. Even in these circumstances, parents provide just enough assistance to allow the child to own the task and feel a feeling of accomplishment.
What are some examples of ideal frustration?
For younger kids: Allowing kids to experiment with age-appropriate toys.
Assigning realistic and age-appropriate domestic chores to older children, progressively increasing complexity as they grow older, to teach responsibility.
Allowing teenagers to address their academic difficulties while also empowering them.
Allowing their children to complete their schoolwork independently—at any age—is perhaps the simplest method for parents to allow their children to experience frustration and manage their own obstacles. Guide them, offer encouragement, and provide required tools, but don’t do their work for them. Taking on challenges and dealing with frustration allows us to grow and gain a more complete understanding of life. Without a doubt, our children deserve the opportunity to go through that process as well.
So, if you are guilty of allowing your children to cry out or become frustrated, don’t worry. Because a little of both can be beneficial in the long term.